4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
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One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.