I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!