THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Check your privilege
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.