There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You Might Also Like
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
never forget
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?