Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
how it started vs how it ended
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.