And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.