I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
that lip filler tho
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That鈥檚 it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You: Where鈥檚 Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
When this is all over, I鈥檓 going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Do馃憦not馃憦remove馃憦the馃憦exquisite馃憦painting馃憦from馃憦my馃憦wall馃憦and馃憦open馃憦the馃憦hidden馃憦safe馃憦if馃憦you馃憦don’t馃憦want馃憦to馃憦find馃憦a馃憦smaller馃憦version馃憦of馃憦the馃憦same馃憦painting馃憦
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It鈥檚 just a spider12yo: I don鈥檛 want it to bite me!
Me: You鈥檒l never be a super hero w/that attitude
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don鈥檛 you bing it
ME: oh noooooo