Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You’re the water to my grease fire.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
the council will decide your fate
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.