Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”