ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”