Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.