One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
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inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’