Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
🤣
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
it’s finally my moment to shine
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.