There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Worth a try
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?