You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.