You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week