Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Best mom ever 😂
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Unimpressed
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.