JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.