I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview