Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.