Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches