i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
? 💀
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’