The absolute effort that went into this omg
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
kids play hide and seek like
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Oh. My. God.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft