[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I would move hell over six inches for you
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force