professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
You Might Also Like
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.