Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Hank is one in a melon.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.