Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.