I hate when that happens.
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Quadruple digit IQ
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm