Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Essential oils? You mean WD40?