When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.