Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.