[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
i prefer mine room temperature.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Yup.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*