lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day