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Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
it must be school picture day
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.