My love language is hissing.
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
lol
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.