If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
You can’t rush stupid.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom