When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.