the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*puts my mental health in rice
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline