Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
my first day as a raccoon
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday