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On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”