But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.