Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
everyone’s a critic
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
OMG 🤣🤣
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”