Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
*puts my mental health in rice
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Not all heroes wear capes….
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?