If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.