I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?