When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument