People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.