If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
WWE is French for “yes”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Genius idea!!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage