Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
my dog when i have a friend over
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Lmfao
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me