Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
the red hot silly peppers
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.